Am I Beautiful?

I am sure I am not the only one asking this question. Underneath this question, I am also asking what I deserve. Should I settle for something or someone that I do not like because I think that I do not deserve better?

All my friends know that I have always been insecure with how I look. I would like to believe I have improved a lot. I have already approached guys in bars or in discos.

But then sometimes I do not approach guys that I like because I think they are better looking than me. And most of the guys I have a liking for (I consider) better-looking than me. There are times that these "better-looking" guys are blatant in showing that they are interested with me and yet I do not give in. I tell myself "this guy must be playing with me...how in the hell can he like me?"

Some of my friends tell me that this insecurity might be good for me or else I would be one of the gay men in this world who thinks that the world revolves around them. But then I think I am missing more than fucks or friends or boyfriends. I think I am missing more.

Pan's Labyrinth (movie)

Like what critics say, this is definitely not a movie for children. Although the violence is generally appropriate, I cringed so many times in this movie. But there were times I cringed due to excitement.

The main actress, Ivan Baquero, is really good. Her best scene is the one where she begged her unborn brother not to harm their mother. That scene was really really strong. I could feel that the girl regarded her mother very highly.

I was impressed by the design and movement of the white creature. Correct me if I am wrong but it is very original. I did not expect that the eyes will be worn like that.

It has a bittersweet morbid ending. And my friends know that morbidity and Dexter go very well together.

Songkran 2007

I asked so many people about Songkran but it is very different from what was formed in my mind with their descriptions. Kao San Road was full of adolescents both Thai and foreign. Some lost their patience easily as they were drugged or drunk. Silom Road was full of teenagers who are just trying to have a good time with their friends minus legal and illegal substances.

I actually had more fun with the teenagers because they were there not to impress anyone but just to have fun. It felt a bit uncomfortable at first being physical with the teeners but then they put no malice on what they were doing. It felt great seeing the people cringe with the ice-cold water I threw/sprayed at them.

Unfortunately, I have no good pictures of what happened. This one was taken at my window on Silom Soi 6.



This set was taken on Koh Samet.








This is the best new year's celebration I have witnessed so far in my life. I might be back next year.

Missed Mike

Mike is a Bern-born (Swiss) Canadian who lives in Ontario. I met him in Koh Samet while he was spending a vacation with his girlfriend and the latter's parents.

Right from the start, I knew he was gay. Right from the start, I knew he wanted me. But I ignored all his stares and all his advances because I was too insecure. I felt that he was trapped but I was intimidated by his beauty. How can a beautiful guy like him have any interest in being with a very ordinary man like me?

I regret ignoring all the signs. I regret being very insecure. And now I am stuck with statements of "could've, should've, would've".

This is a pic of the first and the last place I have seen him. Maybe I won't see him again. But life is always full of surprises.

Bouncing back to Babylon

I went to Babylon on the 15th of April to accompany Peter. My close friends know that I avoid this place because I did not have a pleasant experience with a person who is involved in this establishment. Many of my friends also know that I always say "I have no need for gay saunas."

But this second visit made me realize that it is fun. I may be disappointed that all of the guys I hooked up with are tourists and I cannot establish either a romantic relationship or friendship with them. But it was still fun. I might go back there again rather than wait for 2 1/2 years for my next visit (the first time I went there was in Nov 2004).

Maybe it is also time for me to check out other gay saunas in my area.

Pre-Songkran

It is the eve of Songkran, the great Thai holiday. I will spend three days splashing water and being splashed at. I will be wearing shirts that are flattering on me when wet.

Unfortunately, I will not be carrying my camera so I will not be able to show you the events but I will definitely tell you stories.

I will go to Koh Samet with Peter on Monday so I might not be able to post anything for a long time. I will take pictures of Koh Samet though.

I am meeting Peter at the airport in a few hours. I hope we will stay dry on the way.

Six Feet Under: Season One (DVD)

I cannot count anymore how many of my friends have recommended this TV series. They know that I am morbid and that I love so many things about death and what comes after it.

So I flew to Manila and purchased the first four seasons of "Six Feet Under". Fortunately, they only cost around 700 pesos per season so it was very easy to collect. And for the past week, I have been trying to finish it.

It is refreshing to see a theme like this on TV. It is not expensive to produce compared to other HBO series but it is equally entertaining. I love how this family struggle to understand death even if they are surrounded by it.

The actors are good but not everyone is exceptional. I was surprised to learn that Rachel Griffiths (Bren) is an Aussie. But the most noteable performance is Lauren Ambrose's (as Claire) because she is so real and does not stereotype her character (unlike Michael Hall as David ). I can see the sincerity in Lauren's eyes. I am sure you have read this before but not many actors have this trait. They lose it once they act.

I cannot wait to start the second season.

On being a gentleman

Transient people. Transient lives. People seem not to care if they are being rude because they think they won't be meeting the same people again. I would have believed this if I heard this 50 years ago but I am not that old yet.

A couple of years ago, I went out with a Vietnamese doctor who is already a Canadian citizen. A few months ago, I met a Dutch guy who lives in Amsterdam. One month after my encounter with the Dutch guy, he told me that he knows the Vietnamese doctor. In fact, they were lovers.

These guys are far from saints and I am far from a saint, too. It is not just a coincidence. They remember me. I remember them. And we know each other.

I have heard so many people tell me that it is unlikely for them to see me again. All courtesy are thrown out of the window. It is so easy for them to burn bridges.

But then it is so easy for people to be somewhere. Plane flights are cheaper. People do not need postal service as much as they did because you can get a message the moment it was sent. The population may be increasing exponentially but man is finding more ways to get connected faster than ever before.

Just be careful with you deal with people. It is likely that you will meet them again.

Confessions (DVD)

I never thought that a recorded live concert will be this visually stunning. I do not know what types of technology they have used on this concert but it sure is the best I have seen so far. Slow mos, though numerous, are tastefully done. Overlapping images do not look exxagerated. I think this won't cause seizures but then I am not an expert.

I have watched the controversial crucifixion scene and I do not understand what the fuss is all about. It is done in a positive and sensitive way (the plight of AIDS orphans in the African continent). We have done so many crucifixions in the Philippines and all of them are done because the penetants are asking God some very personal and very selfish favors.

This is a must-have for all Madonna and concert fans because I have never seen anything like it.